


the undisclosed desires in your heart

by shutuprat (flannelking)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009!phan, Canon Compliant, M/M, POV Dan Howell, POV Third Person, Pre-Relationship, a few snapshots from dan's life during september and october of 2009, basically what is going on inside dan's head in the weeks before he finally meets phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 14:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14114595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelking/pseuds/shutuprat
Summary: He is almost entirely sure that he is falling head over heels in love with Phil. And that is scary.





	the undisclosed desires in your heart

** 16th of september, 2009 **

It is one of these nights. One of the nights when Dan puts on MUSE’s latest album, tries to relax his mind and body and still stays up until 3 a.m.

He is not happy with himself when he does that. He does not, in fact, want to be a grumpy teenager in the morning, even though his parents would say something else about that. He does not want to be tired all day. Still, he can’t fall asleep, no matter how hard he tries to.

Usually, his sleeping troubles are rooted in worries he can’t shake off. He will agonize about something he said or did for hours. Nothing makes you feel more angsty that an early-morning breakdown.

Of course, worry is one thing that is keeping him up. The other thing is (or is it?) love.

He is almost entirely sure that he is falling head over heels in love with Phil. That is scary. Not only are they both boys (Which is already bad enough. Dan thinks that a boy falling in love with another boy should not flinch when somebody uses the word _gay_ around him, but he can’t help it), no, they are also give or take 200 miles away from each other.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, he is also four years younger than Phil and even though he has uploaded a few YouTube videos of his own now, he still feels inadequate, compared to Phil, his (more or less) famous YouTube crush.

To be honest, he still can’t believe that Phil answered one of his cringy tweets all these months ago. That he is talking to him, even though he used to be just another fan. That today Phil commented on his Dailybooth that he thinks Dan is pretty.

It rendered him speechless for a few minutes when he saw the words on his laptop screen.

_“stop being so damn pretty dan howell”_

Jesus, how is he ever supposed to work like a functional human being again?

Not like they hadn’t flirted before – they have, especially during their hour-long skype calls – but none of them has ever been so straightforward. They usually beat around the bush they both know is there.

Since he read that Dailybooth comment this afternoon, he has been on an emotional high that leaves him giddy, excited and a little bit horny. Dan’s afternoon has been an emotional roller-coaster consisting of joyfully crafting unrealistic future scenarios starring him and Phil, jacking off to old AmazingPhil YouTube videos (much more exciting since he knows and loves the real Phil) and then feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that he is already falling in love again so shortly after he and Erin broke up.

But, if he is being honest, they had both seen it coming. The last few months of their relationship were spent fighting over the smallest things and ignoring each other the rest of the time. Phil’s sudden presence in his life and her going away for university had just been the last straw.

Still, he and Erin were in each other’s lives for so long that it feels weird without her, even though they agreed on staying in contact. In fact, he is going to see her again in 10 days, for a last meeting with their group of friends before every single one of them except for Dan is going off to university.

He is hovering in a mix of relief and panic when he thinks of his gap year. He is relieved that he has still got an entire year before he really has to be a grown, functional human being, but every so often he doubts his decision to take a year off. His parents nag him because they think he is throwing his life away if he spends his gap year on the internet, he has no idea whatsoever what he should be doing and on top of that, he is now also again an outsider in his “friend” group. He doesn’t talk to them that much anyway, but it was nice having people around him who don’t entirely hate him for who and how he is.

If Dan is completely honest, he has no idea how he is going to be able to sleep now, because his shitty mind must fuck up and worry so much. He sighs, slips out of bed, turns his TV on and plays Halo until the sun shows up again.

 

** 26th of september, 2009 **

It is just not the same anymore. Things between Erin and him are awkward, and he is only now realising that he has nothing in common with his friends besides their shared love for the emo subculture. On the bus back home from meeting up with his friends, Dan has minor life crisis. Then he calls Phil.

Everything feels less severe when Dan hears Phil's voice and when they end the phone call, Dan’s sides hurt from laughing so much.

 

**7 th of october, 2009 **

He lives for moments like these. They talk about everything. Dan laughs and cries and Phil laughs and cries even more and they are just so giddy and excited from talking to each other that they don’t even notice how late it has gotten. But even if they noticed, they wouldn’t care. The only thing that matters now is that they are talking and looking at each other.

Dan tells Phil about how he was bullied at school and how it left him with a feeling of inadequacy, and Phil tries so hard to make him feel better that Dan has to smile from one ear to the other, because even if Phil doesn’t succeed with his words, the fact that he cares enough to try to make Dan feel good about himself means a lot.

Phil tells him about how he used to feel quite lonely, with his friends coupling off and him still being single.

 _Why “used to”?,_ Dan asks.

 _Because you are there now_ , Phil answers.

And then he looks at Dan intensely until they both start blushing and grinning like maniacs.

They end up making plans visiting each other, as soon as possible. With trembling hands Dan looks up calendar dates and when they find a date they are both free – a date during the time Phil’s parents aren’t at home, which definitely helps calming Dan’s nerves – he feels like he could do anything right now. He feels empowered by that burning sensation in his stomach, that excitement that is almost strong enough to make him nauseos.

He will visit Phil on the 19th of October. Tomorrow he will book the tickets first thing when he wakes up.

When they finally end the skype call at 3:25 a.m., Dan feels happier than ever before. He is going to see Phil. In less than a month, he will be able to touch him. It takes a while before he manages to fall asleep, but this time, it is not at all due to worry, no, he can’t fall asleep because there is so much pure, unaltered joy in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> so, this is the first fanfic ever that i managed to complete and i am proud of myself! i wrote this today on a whim - please leave a comment and tell me what you think about it!
> 
> title from undisclosed desires by muse
> 
> my tumblr: ayyfucknazis.tumblr.com


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